It used to be like coming home, I described it to my friend on the first day of classes that it used to be like coming back to not only professors, but friends in a way. And coming back to a whole new faculty, was like going back to freshman year. And after waiting 3 years to finally be a senior, I had no interest in going back to freshman year.
Walking into class used to feel like walking into a comfortable place, sure it was always dreaded, who has any interest in sitting in a 3 hour lecture anyway, no matter who was teaching it? But there still used to be a comfort in it. But now it just feels cold, in a way that's hard to explain. And it saddens me so much.
I had spent 3 long years looking forward to the peds portion of the curriculum, craving to be taught by the professor who was supposed to teach senior level. She was my dream professor, difficult, but so knowledgeable. She had worked in peds oncology, which is where I want to work, she was working towards her doctorate, was a nurse practitioner. She was who I wanted to become in a sense, I looked up to her and I was so hungry for this class. And then halfway through the summer I was told that she had left, and I was saddened, but hoped that the university would provide me with an equal replacement. but nothing can really replace the professor I was supposed to have.
And then a little further into the summer I found out my advisor had left the university as well. And that simply devastated me. I was still reeling from finding out the one professor I have spent the past 3 years looking forward to, only to find out that my advisor who I had spent the last 3 years getting close to, had left as well. There's a sense of abandonment there. On top of these things, 2 other core professors had left in my junior year, and it had been a tumultuous one because of it. There's a sense of abandonment in what had happened. What stung the most was that we, as students weren't notified of the professor change, and I, as an advisee was not notified of the fact that my advisor had left. I had to find out through friends and people who were at school over the summer about all of this.
And still, a week into school, there hasn't been a mention of the professors that have left, not one bit of acknowledgement.
I am sad about this. I am sad about the loss of my senior year. Senior year is supposed to be fun, and exciting, you are supposed to looking forward to the future but sad to leave behind these professors who you have come to know, and they have come to know you as well. But instead I am left with a bitter taste, and a sting in my heart that I can't quite shake. And only excitement to get out of school because I feel betrayed by my school.
Betrayed that I wasn't given a teacher of the same caliber as the one who left. Betrayed because we aren't told about it. Betrayed because I have lost my sense of family at this school.
It is no longer coming home. It will never be coming home again. It will always be just, here, now. And I hate just being here. And I miss how it used to be it. And I miss who used to be here. And it will never be the same.
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